I thought they’d laugh at me

In my 40’s I’ve discovered keeping weight OFF is as hard as it was to put ON when I was in my 20s.

Back then I was a scrawny tall white kid with blazing red hair in Bozeman, Montana. I had no style to speak of (shudder), but I figured that getting a better “bod” was a good place to start.

For me the idea of having a body worth having was synonymous with going to the gym.

No gym. No beach bod.

It’s amazing how effective “gym” marketing is—because even now I still believe that—even when I know (objectively) it’s quite possible to be healthy and strong without ever stepping foot in a gym.

Push-ups. Pull-ups. Squats. Yoga. Running. Walking.

Tons of options that’ll make you ripped and fit—no elliptical, treadmill, or weight rack required.

But okay, in my mid-20s I still believed there was something magical about gyms.

Like maybe you lost weight faster if you breathed gym air.

Or, hell, maybe it was simply that I felt like “going to the gym” (and being able to say I was doing such things) would make other people see me as COOL.

The problem was… I couldn’t do it.

I desperately wanted what I thought “going to the gym” would provide (hot girl-getting beach bod), but the thought of GOING TO THE GYM?

My heart beat so fast. I’d get shaky. My hands would shake. I’d feel lightheaded. I’d feel like throwing up.

I KNEW it made no sense.

Lots of people went to the gym. I could too. Right?

But how?

Learning to Baby Step

When the solution came to me, as I recall, it was in the form of a thought which just popped into my head: “baby steps” — and the image of Bill Murray playing the role of Bob in “What About Bob?”

What About Bob? was a 1991 comedy which starred Bill Murray as a crazy dude named Bob who had a therapist who taught him to use “baby steps” to work through his anxieties—up to, and including, defusing a bomb the therapist eventually wrapped him in when the therapist had a psychotic break after being essentially stalked by Bob the entirety of the movie.

If you haven’t seen it, I’m not sure it’s Bill Murray’s best film (for me, that honor goes to Groundhog Day), but it’s a hell of a good way to remember the “baby steps” concept.

Baby steps.

The idea has literally stuck with me ever since.

Anyway, after I had the thought, it didn’t go away; I started thinking about how Bob would think of my gym dilemma.

I broke “going to the gym” into chunks.

“Milestones,” I suppose you could call them.

I realized that I needed to be clear about the goal (for one thing), because “going to the gym” was really imprecise.

Anxiety LOVES imprecision. Because when you’re imprecise there’s oh-so-much it can play with to self-reinforce itself. To PROVE that you’re RIGHT to be anxious.

When I got precise about what I meant by “go to the gym” immediately the game changed.

Now I could focus on what it would take to achieve that objective, because now I could reduce the big scary thing into little pieces.

I realized that “going to the gym” meant:

• driving to the gym

• parking in the parking lot

• walking in

• scanning my ID to check-in

• going to the locker room

• changing into my gym clothes

• finding a gym machine

• working out on it for 30 minutes

• returning to the locker room

• undressing

• showering

• putting on street clothes

• walking back to my car

• driving home

Having a list like this, with all these neat little chunks, gave me the sense I might be able to kind of work my way through it.

I decided to try an experiment.

As silly as it felt, I told myself that I could give myself full “credit” for “going to the gym” if I just drove the the gym parking lot, parked, and turned off the car (as if I were there to workout).

I was then free (without judgement) to turn the car back on and skedaddle if I wanted.

And believe me, the first few days that’s exactly what I did.

(looking back I’m not sure why going to the gym was so darn scary for me, but it was, and—as you probably know—anxiety and fear don’t always, or ever, make a ton of rational sense)

When I was comfortable driving to the parking lot, I naturally hungered for the next step. I was bored just driving to the parking lot and parking.

The next step? Taking my gym bag and walking into the gym.

This time I gave myself permission (and full “credit”) just for walking through the doors, even if I immediately turned around and walked out and left.

Again, I did that for a few days.

But, as before, I got bored with that, and moved to the next step.

To my surprise, the rest of the list basically came in one fell swoop. Because I discovered once I was comfortable going into the gym, I then found it easy and comfortable to make my way to the changing room, change, and work out.

After all that fear and anxiety and resistance and avoidance, I was suddenly “going to the gym” almost every day.

It didn’t produce the beach body I hoped for, but it did teach me an important lesson that helped save my life when I broke my ankle.

I learned from “baby stepping” my way into the gym that anything is possible with the right plan, and perspective.

I also learned that what makes a plan work for YOU is highly specific to YOU, because it has to be tailored for your specific context, fears, triggers, and history.

Before I had my breakthrough and became a frequent (and confident) gym goer (discovering, in the process, that most gym goers were just average folks like me), I would tell people about my anxiety and resistance.

Their solutions just made things worse. They’d stare at me like I was stupid and then tell me to “just go to the gym and it’ll get easier.”

Sometimes you’ve got to build yourself a bridge to the destination you want to reach. Just expecting yourself to jump a chasm, or JUST DO IT, is a good way to just metastasize your resistance—to really get it to dig in.

Conquer the Monster

So what’s the practical application? What if you, too, like me then (and heck, me other times since) have situations you’re wrestling with which are paralyzing you, frustrating your ability to achieve your dreams?

Honestly, if you do, it probably makes you feel ashamed and embarrassed—because it feels so ridiculous. Because your rational brain is like “dude, bro, what’s the big deal?”

And it’s worse if you happen to confide in others and they give you some variation of JUST DO IT.

The truth is that your rational mind, and your friends or family, aren’t actually that far off base.

BUT, as you are probably learning as you follow our newsletter and podcast, the nuance often makes all the difference.

Because, in a sense, my step-by-step “baby step” plan for “going to the gym” was a form of just doing it… just not all at once. Taking it piece by piece. Bite by bite.

If you’re in a similar situation, I encourage you to try the “baby step” approach:

• get as specific as you can about what your goal is

• break it down into hyper-specific steps

• start at the beginning and do the very first TINY (hyper-specific, remember) step

• when that becomes comfortable, boring even, move to the next step

High five!

As you move along your list of milestones it’s important to remember that YOU are on YOUR own path.

Other people are on THEIR own path.

Similarly, what is a massive achievement for you might not seem like much to others. That’s okay.

YOU can still celebrate YOUR achievements.

Remember: people only change when they feel good. Use that concept and celebrate each small milestone you achieve.

And soon enough, dude, bro, (🤪) you’ll be amazed to discover yourself comfortably doing things you never thought possible.

Until next week…

Adiós, mi amigos!

Abe

PS: If you’d like to learn more ways of overcoming fear and anxiety, and develop the kind of resilient confidence that paves a wide smooth path to your dreams, you might like to attend Nicole’s FREE LIVE VIRTUAL EVENT which is being offered over Zoom.

The replay of Part 1: The Magnificent Seven is now available, and Part 2: Emotion in Motion is coming up soon, on August 22nd. Register now to watch the replay and get in on the action.

I’ll bet you can easily imagine just how helpful developing unshakable confidence in this 3-part mini mental bootcamp will help you:

• Vastly improve your riding

• Have a closer more rewarding relationship with your horse

• Noticeably improve your show performance

Interested? Register by clicking here!