Stop Beating Yourself With a Lunge Whip!

It turns out, starting a business is hard.

Like sure, in the abstract I (you, and everyone) expects that to be true.

But it’s like having kids. Or dogs. Or horses. Or going to college. Or serving in the military. Or having a drug abuse problem.

Things are hard. Life is hard. Starting a business is hard. I suppose what we’re talking about is really an axiom for life.

When we think about how difficult something is likely to be, we are estimating it from the substance of all our previous related experience. And what comes out of that estimation is really about the same thing we’d get if we tried to replicate Picasso with a pencil. Maybe the same form, but not the same art.

But I’m not complaining, and I doubt Nicole would either. Because, for as hard as it is, at this stage, when we feel like we’re shouting into the void about how mental performance coaching can really help western riders (like SUPER DUPER MUCH y’all!) and only seeing a few folks who get it….Like the folks on our email list, reading these words…it can be demoralizing.

Some days I wake up and think “what’s the point?” When our business expenses at this stage far exceed our business revenues? When it feels like pulling teeth to get people’s attention.

I know it’s not their fault. Not really. It’s a combination of the environment, the traditions deeply engrained in “the industry,” and also US. Because, usually, when what a business is offering doesn’t “sell,” it’s either A) because it’s not irresistible enough, or B) the way you communicate (or “message”) about it isn’t irresistible. We’re probably off-base in both regards. It turns out that marketing and sales is an art AND science, and subtle and tricky and scary…and difficult to do well to the degree that we can successfully connect what western riders need help with and what we can do to help them.

In any case, it’s just disappointing feeling the acute need (for both of us) to help people with mental performance coaching, and to feel like there’s a palpable sense of apathy.

I’ll admit, it occurs to me there’s a very good chance that this is just par-for-the-course in doing anything new. Not just starting a business.

It could probably happen in starting to write books, or paint, or do martial arts, or play a sport…or in starting a new western riding discipline. Like maybe you switch (as Nicole did, once upon a time) from dressage to reining… and it feels like nobody wants you there. Like, actually, folks would rather you leave the sandbox and leave them and their little friends to play by themselves.

So how do we handle this? How do we persist and do hard things when it can be so acutely painful (even if it’s simultaneously meaningful)?

Let’s do better than just persist. How do we push through persisting to success? How do we do the work and do it well long enough that we get to enjoy the fruit of our labors, the harvest?

I read about a particularly helpful and relevant concept in a book called Tiny Habits, by BJ Fogg. Now that was one, particularly transformative, little book. There’s very few books I can point to and say “absolutely life changing,” but that’s one of them.

When I discovered that book, I was wrestling with feeling like life was just too darn big to wrap my head around—to get a good grip on. Does this sound familiar? For me it looked like not knowing how to build exercise into my dad—even as a remote employee for a tech company. And, more importantly, how to kick my nicotine habit (vaping) and how to break my habit of reaching for alcohol whenever the going got tough or scary.

One day, while reading Tiny Habits, I happened across a profound and simple concept. Now, before I tell you what it is, the first thing I should mention (should’ve mentioned it before, oops) is that BJ Fogg has a background in behavioral research. Which means his expertise in what makes people tick and how to use that knowledge to manipulate behavior. Before switching to the Light-side, he built a career on the Dark-side teaching tech companies how to make addictive apps…until he had an ethical awakening, and realized that the same concepts could be used to help people transform their lives in positive ways.

Anyway, so that whole book is about the concise application of those concepts to driving changes in your life. Not sweeping big changes all at once…but developing TINY HABITS that drive, over the course of months and years, huge positive sweeping changes.

And there was one sentence that resonated with me, almost like someone struck a gong within me the moment I read the sentence. I’m going to paraphrase here: People only change when they feel good. 

In the book he goes on to explain why that is. And there’s lots of evidence to support the assertion, but beyond all that it just makes so much intuitive sense.

And yet, one of the most HUMAN of all behaviors is our insane tendency to beat ourselves up. To beat ourselves with a crop. A flail. A whip. It might be figurative and not literal, but the amount of psychological pain we can cause ourselves is exceptional. The crop and the beating might as well be real.

It’s almost like we’re Egyptian slaves back in the day of Moses and we’re simultaneously also the Slave Driver, beating ourselves into submission. Believing this is the most effective tactic to get ourselves to build a pyramid.

But what does this cause? It certainly rarely yields the desired results. At least, not if you’re anything like me. Instead, like in Ancient Biblical Egypt, it results in revolution. Rebellion. Pestilence. Fleeing.

In fact, from my own anecdotal evidence, from my own life, I can tell you that I have discovered that advice from BJ Fogg to be completely 100% true.

If you want to change in any meaningful way, find ways to feel GOOD about what you want to do more of. To feel GOOD about doing less of other things.

I’m sure you can imagine many ways to apply this to your riding, to your competing. But fundamentally, the first step is to STOP beating yourself with a lunge whip or crop, stop berating yourself, stop all that toxic negative crap when you fall on your face. If your lesson or performance doesn’t go the way you wanted it to, accept it without judgement. Tell yourself, “I learned, and that is good.” Feeling good about your attempt means you’ll try again, and trying again will inevitably mean that you give yourself more chances to improve, to achieve your goals. “Fail” forward.

For me, executing that Slave Driver persona who always wants to beat me up means that two years later I’m nicotine-free. I broke free of my alcohol problem. Man, the last time I had a drink was…sometime last year. Last Fall, maybe. And I did it by focusing on what made me feel deeply, meaningfully, good. I felt good when I didn’t drink. I felt good when I didn’t vape.

And today, what keeps me going, building our business, diligently working toward the day when everyone has a mental performance coach in their support group—alongside their riding instructor, trainer, farrier, vet, chiropractor, masseuse, and physical trainer—is a continued focus on feeling good.

On those days when I feel down or disappointed, I “pull focus” and remind myself “all change happens when you feel good.” And the change I want is A) where I don’t have to work ever again in Corporate America (🤮) and B) where I support Nicole in her mission of helping Western Riders transform their riding with mental performance coaching. So I focus on feeling good, feeling grateful for each and every member of our community (you guys!). I focus on feeling good, and grateful for how far my skills in business building have come. I feel good, because I know that the only path to A & B is this path.

If I stayed in the sad and depressed and defeated state the only outcome would be more of what I DON’T want. The antithesis of A & B.

Because unless me and Nicole continue our work, Western Riders would continue to do things the traditional, slow, unproductive, unsatisfying, more-miserable-than-necessary way, and I would continue to be an indentured servant in Corporate America.

I am absolutely committed to leaving the crop where it should be: played with and ultimately destroyed by one of our children, consumed by a bonfire. How about you? What are you gonna do with your crop?

Till next time,

Adiós, mis amigos!

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