Today’s newsletter was inspired by one of the members of the Resilient Reiner community: Casey, aka oilybarrelracer (on Instagram).

She’s in her 40s, determined to stage a comeback, and I, too, am in my 40s. Maybe some of you out there (whatever your age) have experienced how incredibly undermining our brains can be when we strive to achieve our dreams. Either we’re too young, or we’re too old, or something else.

In any case, thank you, Casey, for allowing me to use your picture of Martha Josey and your inspiring caption.

Without further adieu…

WHEN I WAS 20 I WANTED TO OWN A MOVIE STUDIO

When I was 20, I told people I wanted to own a movie studio. I wanted to write, direct, produce, AND act. I went to Hollywood (turns out three months there is the most surreal and loooong time you can ever experience). I did “background” (extra) work in TV and film. I was a featured extra. I wrote screenplays. I accepted screenplay submissions as a “producer.”

People called me a “visionary.”

Now I’m 45. No studio. No writing, acting, directing, or producing credits to my name. I DO have a credit on IMDB though!

Just a regular ole joe…Well, just a regular ole ABE, I suppose.

While it’s never been my dream to achieve…well, anything, horse-related (well, except taking them hunting and trail riding and having a good time, I suppose), I do have dreams.

Honestly, they’re what…even in my rapidly advancing age (lol)…make life feel worth living.

Sure, I love Nicole and our kids, but, honestly, LOVE isn’t enough to get me through the day. Or out of bed, for that matter.

It reminds me how my father-in-law always harps on “keep your job, you’ve got people depending on you.” And, somehow, that just isn’t that motivating.

Hell, if someone had said “keep your job, you depend on you. You like to eat, don’t you?” I’d be like, “well, yeah, but I could work at 7-11 and eat.

The thing is, for as much as we have primal needs, for as much as we love our families and want to take care of them, that doesn’t really motivate us that much.

What does?

Dreams.

I don’t dream of a World Championship like Nicole does. But I do dream of writing and publishing a best seller. I dream of building a successful business, free of Corporate America (🤮).

Honestly, it feels especially HARD to have dreams in our 30s and 40s. A lot of us have over-complicated things at this point. (sarcasm)

We’ve got kids. We’ve got mortgages. We’ve got careers. We’re distracted with a million and one sources of personal drama AND house repairs.

This point in our lives seems almost DESIGNED to beat the dreams out of us.

When the slightest thing makes your brain or body hurt—potentially debilitating you for days or weeks on end—it’s easy to talk yourself out of your dreams.

HOW YOUR BRAIN “PROTECTS” YOU

Maybe you’ve heard your brain whisper to you:

“You’re too old.”

“Oh, ain’t that cute.”

“It’s super improbable you succeed. You know that.”

“It’s too late for you.”

“You can’t chase dreams—you’ve got responsibilities now.”

“You already tried that…”

“Remember how well it worked out when you tried X (totally unrelated thing)?”

“Who you trying to impress? Don’t you think you should be responsible now?”

“It’s time to be realistic.”

“It’s too hard—too much work. That’s a young person’s game.”

“You’ll be disappointed. Don’t get your hopes up.”

“What if I fail?”

“People might laugh at me.”

“It’s not worth it. Just say in your lane.”

“You don’t have what it takes (talent, resources, skill).”

I know I’ve heard pretty much all of these. Probably even TODAY.

They really suck the life out of the party, you know?

Why do we listen to this drivel?

Is it just because it’s a voice we can’t tune out? Because when it’s OURSELVES we assume it’s trustworthy?

Hah!

How many times have you gotten yourself into trouble in the space of a single lifetime? And yet we assume such whispers have our best interests at heart?

It’s laughable.

What’s worse, many of us haven’t developed the muscle of staring these whispers in the maw and arguing with them.

ARGUE WITH YOURSELF

So here’s what we’re going to do. Together we’re going to practice arguing with those whispers, those voices which tell you you can’t achieve your dreams—that try to make you believe you can’t have your own “comeback story.”

Give it a try:

“You’re too old…” oh, yeah? Why? What’s the right age? Oh? What makes that the “right” age? What makes my age the “wrong” age?

“Oh, ain’t that cute…” Don’t diminish me like that. I deserve respect—even from you, my own brain. (this might be a good opportunity to imagine this internal “voice” as belonging to a difficult personality you’ve dealt with in life and treat it accordingly)

“It’s super improbably you succeed. You know that…” Yeah, well, life is risky, yet I’m still here. Plenty of people have beat the odds, what makes them any more deserving than me?

“It’s too late for you…” Oh, really? Why? You told me 20 years ago it was “too early” for me, and now it’s too late? When is “just right?” Because here’s the reality: older means smarter, wiser, more effective, more efficient. Do we break marginally easier? Yes, sure. Trade-offs. But there’s never a perfect time. You’re too young until suddenly, one day, you’re “too old.”

“You can’t chase dreams—you’ve got responsibilities now…” Here’s the reality: you’ve ALWAYS had responsibilities. It’s like how adults assume the pain that kids feel is somehow LESS than we feel. I know I used to think this, but it’s clear that our kids experience pain as much as we do, as acutely as we do. So do you have responsibilities? Yes. But that’s nothing new. No matter how young or old we are, we’re always striving for our dreams WITHIN the constraints we face (including responsibilities). This is what makes the accomplishment so impressive and rewarding. The greater the challenge or obstacles that lie in your path, the greater the achievement! We humans don’t give a lot of attention to stories of people who have every advantage, and very little responsbilities, who achieve something. Because we’re like “DUH. Of course you can become an Olympic athlete if you come from money and have an on-call nutritionist, trainer, coach (etc.) 24/7.” Look at your responsibilities, as your constraints as a gift, because they make your achievements all the more LEGENDARY.

“You already tried that…” Well, so? This is a well-rehashed story, but Thomas Edison “tried that” 10,000 times before he created a life bulb. So, hey, maybe give yourself a few tries before you assume you’ll “never” achieve success.

“Remember how well it worked out when you tried X (totally unrelated thing)?” …That was then, that was that. There have been equally as many (probably MANY more) things I’ve succeeded at that are unrelated. Why not choose to believe that my unrelated success is evidence that I can expect success in this? Why would “failure” at an unrelated thing mean I’m categorically a failure?

“Who you trying to impress? Don’t you think you should be responsible now?” I’m impressing myself—and I do that by not listening to a Doubter like you! You know “responsibility” has nothing to do with it. You’re just afraid, but you’re too cowardly to own it, and there’s nothing like DOING to build courage and overcome doubt.

“It’s time to be realistic…” Who says? Why does maturity or getting older mean we have to be “realistic?” What does realistic mean? Should we at ANY age be realistic? Being “realistic” is often just a good justification for settling. “Well, I was realistic, so I never moved out of my parents’ basement.” …As ridiculous as it seems, give the challenges of adulthood and parenthood and LIVING in our 30s and 40s, the most “realistic” behavior would simply to be never “moving out.” Because, yikes, paying your own bills, owning and repairing a home, caring for and raising children, holding down a job, …it’s a lot. It’s unrealistic to assume we’ll do it well, or even mediocrely, but most of us do. What is “realistic” really just depends on your frame of reference. And “realistic” is too subjective to be worth a damn. There is no objective “realistic” measure, so we’d be best served ejecting it from our vocabulary.

“It’s too hard—too much work. That’s a young person’s game.” …Yeah, well, I’m old enough and wise enough to eat challenges for breakfast. I have the “old age and treachery” necessary to completely obliterate obstacles and achieve my dreams. Haven’t you heard: youth is wasted on the young? Clearly, most things aren’t a younger’s game (at least not for most “youngsters”), because they’re too busy messing around to achieve much. More: anything worth doing is hard. Anything worth doing is “too much work.”

“You’ll be disappointed. Don’t get your hopes up.” …I’m disappointed by a lot of things. Taxes. Politicians. My paycheck. Being disappointed isn’t the worst thing in the world. Honestly, there’s a lot of disappointment before there’s success. This just makes sense. Heck, winners LOVE disappointment and failure because they see it as inevitably moving them towards their goals. As for not getting your hopes up: why not? This is damn near superstition, and I get it, because sometimes I have this feeling like if I get my hopes up then I’m dooming myself to NOT get whatever it is I’m hopeful for. But, as I tell our 11-year old (and, after-the-fact, encourage my 40-something self to agree): hope is the most powerful force in the universe. We should encourage it in ourselves and others at every turn. Hoping for things isn’t bad, delusion (hope disconnected from action) is.

“What if I fail?” …you’ve just moved closer to your goal, because most failure is falling forward. The only TRUE failure is giving up. Otherwise you’re just building on what you’ve learned doesn’t work, and what does. Failure is a gift because it makes you stronger, wiser, and moves you along the path. Also, life is failure. You could pull a Proust and never leave home and still encounter plenty of failure. Would you rather experience failure in an epic sense, creating your own Odyssey? Or in your bathroom, livingroom, and kitchen (as Proust)? The choice is yours.

“People might laugh at me.” …you know: they might. But there’s a lot of jerks out there, and a lot of folks who are worried you’ll surpass them, achieve what they didn’t think was possible. If YOU DO IT then what does it say about them? So keep that in mind when you worry about people laughing at you or talking bad about you. If they laugh at you or talk about you, they’re worried that you’ll school them. Crush them. That you’ll give them a failure to learn from as you cruise along your path to success. People don’t bother giving anyone else their attention. Plus, have you ever heard of PsyOps?

The official definition is:

And it essentially means manipulating individuals and groups of people to do what you want, or don’t want.

From this Non-Horsey Husband’s perspective there’s a LOT of PsyOps at horse shows. There’s some genuinely good sports there, but a lot of folks who would love to see you fail and their behavior does a lot to ensure that happens.

“It’s not worth it. Just say in your lane.” …It might be the ONLY thing that’s worth it. Folks on their death beds rarely complain (never?) about overdoing life. You never hear about old folks being like “gosh, I wish I’d spent more time on the couch, watching Netflix.” No. They complain that they didn’t TRY more. Didn’t veer into other people’s lanes. How can you possibly say “it’s not worth it,” until you’ve done it? We humans are notoriously HORRIBLE at predicting the future, yet we’re always trying to do just that. Studies have shown that USUALLY the future turns out FAR better than we think it will. So, to me, that means that we should all decide what our goals are. Make them substantive and specific, and then work to achieve them. Set big goals, for sure, but also stepping stone goals so you can constantly check-in with yourself and satisfy yourself that “YEP, still worth it!” and then keep going.

“You don’t have what it takes (talent, resources, skill).” …Oh this is a bewitching one. It sounds so…reasonable. Right. Responsible. It sounds like your Mom or Dad sitting you down and just being “straight” with you. As in most of these, it’s the PREMISE that we need to question. What is the premise here? It’s the assumption that some amount of unquantified talent, resources, or skill is necessary. What gives it teeth is the recognition (objectively) that more talent, more resources, or more skill would (duh) make it easier to achieve whatever particular dream or goal we have. But logical flaw is that we need to ask ourselves how MUCH talent or resources or skill is necessary. Because we can’t quantify talent or skill, except in the rearview mirror, and if you’ve got a horse, truck, trailer, gas in the tank, and money for entry fees, you’ve got the basics you need. Could it be easier if you were richer? Well, sure. But are you going to let the circumstances of the present stop you? Of course not. You’re going to go out there and write your own story. Your story is going to be one of those rags to riches stories Hollywood loves so much. And when you achieve it, they’ll come knocking and waving big checks at you. Everyone will ask you: how could you realistically, reasonably believe you could achieve X (whatever “impossible” goal you just achieved) when you didn’t have A, B, C?

Now, I’m going to warn you. They won’t call your story Moneyball, or Jerry Maguire, or Rocky. But when you get down on yourself or your journey, maybe have a bit of fun and play with fun titles for your adventure.

Like I’ve often thought if (and when) I get the opportunity to do a Netflix comedy special I’ll call it TMI (Too Much Information). Because that’s my comedic style. A bit over the line. A lot inappropriate. 🤪

Doing this assumes success. Doing this sucks the wind out of your pessimism and reignites your own hope and optimism in a subtle way.

When you don’t experience the success you dream of, don’t take it as a sign that you dream can’t happen. Look at it as a mile marker on your journey. It doesn’t mean anything other than that you’re a mile further down the road than you were before. You’re falling forward.

And if you’re learning along the way, growing more and more mentally capable and tough and tenacious then your success is inevitable.

If you’re mastering your mind in addition to your body and mount then you success is virtually certain.

A BIT OF A TANGENT

Alright, I've gone on a bit of a tangent here, but let me bring it back to the main point. As we get older, it's so easy to let our dreams fade away. Life gets complicated - kids, careers, mortgages, aches, pains. Our inner critic starts whispering doubts and discouragement. But we can't let those excuses win. 

Here's what we need to do - reignite those big dreams. Don't listen to the naysayers, even if it's your own inner voice. Tune out the self-doubt and recapture that youthful excitement. Your time is now!

Sure, you may have had some wins and some failures over the years. But every setback brings you closer to success if you keep at it. The only true failure is when you quit for good. As long as you keep chipping away, moving forward, learning and improving, your breakthrough will come.

It may take time. It will take work. But if you want it bad enough and commit to it fully, it's yours for the taking.

Get clear on that big audacious dream again - whether it's qualifying for the AQHA World Show or publishing that novel. Write it down.

I would say “tell supportive friends who will cheer you on” but unfortunately sometimes this gives you a cheap false sense of (strangely) having achieved it, so it can actually undermine your motivation. Instead, I say celebrate your actions with your friends. Celebrate what you achieve, when you achieve it. DON’T tell them of your aspiration. Keep that to yourself. Let it fuel you.

You know that goal you wrote down? Break it down into daily, incremental steps you can start taking now.

Small acts of courage every day is how dreams are achieved. Tiny steps forward will carry you miles if you stay consistent.

Don't compare yourself to others. Run your own race, especially as you get older. Certain things may take you longer, but that makes the reward so much sweeter. You'll savor it more than those who succeed early on.

This is your time, your life, your dreams. Seize the day and go for it. Be relentless. The world needs your comeback story.

As Walt Disney said, "If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember this whole thing was started by a mouse."

Your dream is waiting...now go get it!

Thanks again to Casey for the inspiration, and I’m cheering for all of you as you (step-by-step) move persistently toward your dreams!

Until next week!

Adiós, muchachos!

Abe

PS: It’s FINALE Time!

We just wrapped up the FINALE of Nicole’s 3-part Mini Mental Bootcamp free live training series.

Over the last three action-packed trainings, Nicole explored powerful concepts like:

• The 7 steps to develop unshakable confidence

• Emotional awareness and regulation techniques

• Exercises to identify limiting beliefs and self-sabotage

• The impact of your mental state on your horse

• The mindset qualities that separate champions from the rest

• Actionable techniques to reset stress in minutes

• How to develop razor-sharp focus and concentration

• And how to turn nerves into an asset instead of a liability

And so much more!

It's was an incredible journey! Those who attended walked away with a toolkit of strategies to up-level their mental games and ride like the champions they are.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER AND GET ACCESS TO BINGE THE REPLAYS!

Couldn't attend live? No worries! Just register anyway and you'll get the replay. You can binge watch all the replays this weekend! Or, listen to them like an audio podcast!

PPS: The Wait is Over...The Mental Gym for Equestrians Opens Tomorrow!

Get ready...enrollment for The Mental Gym for Equestrians opens TOMORROW at 6AM!

👉 AT 6 AM CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE MENTAL GYM FOR EQUESTRIANS

This is your chance to finally shatter the mental barriers holding back your riding progress. In just 30 days, you'll gain the skills and mindset for unshakable confidence in the saddle.

Spaces are limited in the first cohort, so set your alarm!

When enrollment opens tomorrow at 6AM, be ready to secure your spot in this life-changing program.

The registration window slams shut Thursday at 11:59PM. So you only have a couple days to get in on the ground floor.

Tomorrow begins your journey to becoming the rider you've always dreamed of being. Be ready to join us!

I'll see you inside The Mental Gym - let's do this!

Ride boldly,

Nicole

👉 AT 6 AM CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE MENTAL GYM FOR EQUESTRIANS