What Riders Get Wrong About Confidence — and What I Teach My Clients Instead

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Let’s talk about confidence—because most riders are aiming at the wrong target.
They think confidence means you feel good. You feel calm. You feel sure.

But in real life? The gate opens, adrenaline hits, and your brain starts offering you a full documentary called Everything That Could Go Wrong.

Dun, dun, dunnnnnn!!!!!

So if your definition of confidence is ‘I never feel nervous,’ you’re going to feel like you’re failing every time your body does the normal show-day thing.

What I teach my clients instead is that confidence is not a personality trait. It’s not something you either have or don’t.

It’s a skill—built by training your nervous system, your focus, and your identity… so you can ride like yourself even when the pressure is loud.

And here’s the catch: most riders try to build confidence in the exact wrong order… which is why the same riders keep getting stuck no matter how “positive” they try to be.

So today I’m going to show you what riders get wrong about confidence—and what I teach instead.

What riders get wrong about confidence 

Myth #1: Confidence is a mindset problem

The first thing riders get wrong is they think confidence is basically… a thought issue.

So they try to fix it with:

• positive self-talk

• affirmations

• “just focus”

• “stop being negative”

• “be grateful”

• “act confident”

And listen—mindset matters. And to be honest, I LOVE affirmations. I LOVE all that stuff. And it works! But! 

Yes, I said BUT!

But here’s the problem:

If your nervous system is on high alert, your brain can’t use your mindset.

This is something I was running into over and over when I first started coaching other riders on their mindset. I was teaching a lot of the tools I personally use and love. The “traditional” mindset tools. 

And for a lot of folks it worked great. But there were too many riders who were still “stuck” even with this. 

And I learned what most mindset coaches don’t know. 

There’s a deeper layer. And that layer is what is blocking 99% of people. 

When your body feels unsafe, your brain goes into protection mode.
And in protection mode, it doesn’t care about your affirmations.

It cares about control.

So you get the classic symptoms:

• overthinking

• micromanaging your horse

• second-guessing

• holding your breath (making everyone around you pray you don’t pass out and fall off your horse)

• rushing

• freezing

• feeling mentally “loud”

• getting frustrated faster

• spiraling after one mistake

And then you think: “See? I’m not confident.”

But what’s actually happening is: your system is dysregulated.

So the first wrong assumption is thinking confidence starts in your thoughts.
A lot of the time confidence starts in your body.

Myth #2: Confidence comes after your ride goes well 

Second thing riders get wrong: they think confidence comes after the horse is good.

They’re waiting to feel confident until:

• the warmup goes perfectly

• the horse feels “right”

• they hit every transition

• they feel smooth

• they get a good stop

• everything clicks

Then—then—they’ll be confident.

But do you see the trap?

If confidence is dependent on the ride going well… then confidence will always be fragile.
Because horses are horses. And you’re human. And life exists.

So what you end up with is “confidence” that’s basically conditional.
It only shows up when everything is already working.

And the second anything is off… confidence disappears… and now you’re back to trying to fix your feelings in real time.

That’s exhausting. And it’s why so many good riders feel inconsistent.

Myth #3: Confident riders don’t feel nerves or doubt

Third thing riders get wrong: they assume confident riders don’t feel fear.

They think confident riders are just… built different.
That they never have nerves. They never doubt. They never have an off day.

Nope.

Confident riders feel all the same sensations:

• adrenaline

• pressure

• uncertainty

• frustration

• disappointment

The difference is they don’t treat those sensations like an emergency.

They treat them like information.

They don’t make it mean: “Oh my gosh, I’m falling apart.”
They make it mean: “Okay, my system is activated. What do I do next?”

And that brings us to the real point.

If confidence isn’t just “think positive,” and it isn’t “wait until it feels easy,” and it isn’t “never feel nervous”…

Then what is it?

What I teach instead: The 4R Framework 

This is where I’m going to share my 4R Framework—the process I use with my clients inside The Mental Gym for Equestrians, because it’s the simplest way I know to explain real confidence.

I call it the 4R Framework.

And the reason I love this framework is because it tells the truth:

Confidence isn’t one thing. It’s four skills.

And when you build these four skills, confidence stops being fragile.
It stops being something you chase.
It becomes something you have access to—even on the messy days.

1) Regulate: Train your nervous system 

First R is Regulate.

This is your ability to stay steady in your body.

Because confidence does not exist in a body that feels unsafe.

If your nervous system is yelling “danger,” your brain will default to survival behaviors.
That’s when you get:

• tight hands

• bracing

• rushing

• micromanaging (hello your trainer yelling at you to leave your horse alone)

• holding your breath

• feeling like your brain is too loud

So when riders say, “I need confidence,” what they often need first is regulation.

Not because they’re broken.
But because their system is doing exactly what systems do under pressure.

And once you get regulated?
Everything else becomes usable.

This is why “mindset tips” can feel like they bounce off you.
Because you’re trying to install mindset in a body that’s panicking.

So we start with Regulate.

2) Rewire: Fix your inner voice 

Second R is Rewire.

This is where mindset actually becomes powerful—because you’re not trying to do it from survival mode.

Rewire is about changing the default pattern your brain runs when you ride.

And I want you to think about this:
Your inner voice doesn’t just affect your emotions.

It changes your riding.

So if the automatic loop in your head is yelling:

• “Don’t mess up.”

• “You always do this.”

• “You’re behind.”

• “Everyone’s watching.”

• “Your horse is going to blow up.”

…your body reacts.

Your timing changes. Your softness changes. Your decision-making changes.

So Rewire is where we stop trying to slap a positive quote on top of panic…

and we actually retrain the thought pattern underneath it.

That’s why “just stay positive” doesn’t work.
That’s not rewiring. That’s a sticker.

Rewire is the part where your brain learns a new default—so your thoughts start helping you ride instead of hijacking the whole thing.

I’m not here to give you better vibes. I’m here to give you a better default setting.

3) Reclaim: you are a confident, capable cowgirl

Third R is Reclaim.

This is the moment you stop asking, “Can I do this?”
…and start remembering, “This is who I am.”

Because what I see all the time is this: riders don’t fall apart because they’re incapable.
They fall apart because they disconnect from their why the second it gets uncomfortable.

The ride gets hard. The horse gets fresh. The pattern gets messy.
And suddenly your brain starts negotiating like it’s a union rep:

“Maybe we don’t need to push today.”
“Maybe we’ll just play it safe.”
“Maybe we’ll lower the goal.”
“Maybe we’ll quit before we ‘fail.’”

Reclaim is where we shut that down—not with force… with identity.

It’s where you anchor back into what you actually want, why you ride, and who you’re becoming.
So you stop bailing the moment you feel pressure. You stop shrinking when it matters.
You start riding like a person who follows through.

And honestly? This is where boundaries show up—because if your energy is constantly getting drained, you’re going to keep calling it “confidence issues” when it’s really just: you have no margin.

Reclaim is the part where you come back to yourself.

4) Reinforce: Stay confident, over time

Fourth R is Reinforce.

This is where confidence becomes durable.

Because most riders can get a win. They can have a great ride. They can have a breakthrough.
And then… it disappears.

They go right back to square one the next day.

Or they have one rough moment and their brain does the dramatic rewrite:

“See? That good ride didn’t count.”
“See? You’re not actually getting better.”
“See? You’re back.”

Reinforce is where we stop letting your brain erase your progress.

It’s where we teach you to collect evidence—so your confidence isn’t based on vibes. It’s based on proof.
You start seeing your wins, locking them in, and building momentum on purpose… instead of accidentally.

And it’s where we build steadiness through routine—because consistency isn’t willpower, it’s a system.
A system that holds you even when you’re tired, busy, off, hormonal, stressed… whatever.

And maybe the biggest piece: Reinforce is where you stop improvising under pressure.

Because under pressure, you don’t magically become your best self—
you default to whatever you’ve trained.

So we futureproof it. You don’t just have “tools.” You have a repeatable way to keep going—week after week—without needing a perfect mindset day to access your confidence.

That’s Reinforce: not hype… stability.

So if you’ve ever felt like confidence is this slippery thing you can’t keep…

It’s not because you’re weak.
It’s not because you “don’t want it enough.”
It’s not because you need to be more positive.

It’s because nobody taught you what confidence is actually made of.

It’s made of:

• a steady nervous system… 

• a rewired brain you can actually trust under pressure…

• an identity that doesn’t bail when it gets hard…

• and a system that keeps you steady long after this ride is over.

That’s the 4R Framework.

And when you build those four skills, confidence becomes way less dramatic.
It becomes steady. Repeatable. Trainable.

Now, I teach the full 4R Framework inside The Mental Gym for Equestrians—because I don’t want you to just feel confident on good days. I want you to have a system that supports you on the days your brain is loud, your horse is fresh, or life is lifey.

But if you’re listening right now and you’re like,
“Okay Nicole… I want this, but I need a simple place to start…”

Start with 5 Days to Confident Competitor.

It’s $33, it’s five days, and it’s built to give you practical, usable tools right away—especially if you’re the kind of rider who spirals, overthinks, or freezes when pressure shows up.

It’s the starter kit version of this work.

Grab it here. 

“Confidence isn’t something you chase. It’s something you train. And when you train it the right way, it stops being fragile… and it starts becoming who you are.”

Ride with confidence,

Nicole