Who’s your best friend?

Hey! Prefer to listen instead of read the Newsletter? I got you! The Resilient Reiner Newsletter also comes as a podcast! 🎙️ Tune in to listen now! 

Welcome back to another episode of Dear Nicole, where you get to ask me all your questions. Not the fluffy surface-level, safe questions. The burning ones that are buried deep in the manure pile ready to spontaneously combust. The questions that you really want to ask but are too afraid to ask. The really juicy ones no else talks about. 

Because that’s how we roll around here. 

Say the quiet part out loud. 

(And trust me, I’m nothing when it comes to my husband. I love that man but he has no fear of discussing any topic. Any time. Any place. I’m not sure it’s possible to embarrass that man. I love him). 

Anyway… 

Dear Nicole… 

I’m so hard on myself. My lead departures. My transitions. My show outfits. The way I train. The way I don’t train. Optimizing my horse’s diet and getting another supplement or chiro appt for my horse. And comparing myself to others. Oh brother. My negative self-talk is out of control. 

Yet for my friends, I am totally their #1 cheerleader! I’m the one there yelling and cheering them on from the fence. I’m the one pumping them up before and after their run. Why am I so mean to myself? Why can’t I cheer for myself? I don’t want to be this way anymore. I feel like crap. 

Sometimes it’s fine but one fumbled transition and there I go.

Hey cowgirl, 

I want you to know, I see you. I really see you. And you are so not alone, my friend. 

And you need to be reminded that being hard on yourself doesn’t mean you’re more committed. It just means you have been carrying that heavy load for too long. 

I see how much you care, cowboy. How high you set the bar. How often you tell yourself you should be further along by now. 

And I see how exhausted that mindset makes you. Not because you’re weak (far from it!) but because perfectionism is a trap. 

That inner voice you’re frenemies with? You need to know it’s not The Truth. 

At the heart of my worth with clients is dealing with that inner voice. Sometimes Inner Critic. Sometimes Inner Mentor. 

Inside the Mental Gym for Equestrians, we spend a lot of time right here—turning that drill-sergeant voice into a steady, grounded coach. I see riders come in absolutely convinced that “being hard on myself is what keeps me sharp,” and a few weeks later they’re riding better, feeling lighter, and they’re actually enjoying their horses again… because they finally changed the way they talk to themselves.

Remember, that inner voice is not “THE TRUTH”. It’s a reflection of every pressure you’ve internalized–old stories, outside expectations, and all the unspoken rules of what it means to be a “real rider”. 

But here’s the magic. You are here. You are aware of it. Naming it. Ready and willing to change it. 

Hell yeah, brother!

Because that is where your power is. 

You don’t need to be perfect to be powerful. You just need to come home to yourself. 

We already know you are capable of being a kind, loving, supportive best friend. That part of you is real. You’ve seen it in action! 

Now it’s time to show that same loving tenderness and compassion to yourself, not just other riders. Remember, we treat ourselves with love and respect not because you are broken and need fixing, but because you are already worthy. 

I’m sure you over there thinking, ok, I’m willing to drink this Kool-Aid and treat myself with more kindness because beating myself up sure hasn’t gotten me the results I’d prefer… but literally HOW?!?!?! 

Here’s how to start:

🐴 Notice the voice without making it the villain. That inner critic isn’t you—she’s the conditioning. Observe her. Get curious. Ask: “Who taught me to speak to myself this way?”  Is that voice really yours? Or someone else’s? Awareness creates choice.

🐴 Talk to yourself like you do your horse. You wouldn’t berate your horse for every mistake. You’d look for the lesson, soften your hands, and try again. And you’d do your best to be neutral and just say try, try again until they get it right. Give yourself that same grace. Every time.

🐴 Celebrate grit, not just gold. Winning patterns are built in the bounce-backs. The messy middle. The days you saddle up anyway. That’s where resilience lives—and you’ve got it in spades.

🐴 Make space for self-love. Yep, I said it. You gotta practice loving yourself. Even 5 quiet minutes in the barn. A breath before mounting. A grounding ritual before a show. Allowing yourself to be authentically you not a performance of who you think you have to be. The more often you meet yourself with love, the more naturally it flows.

This journey isn’t about silencing the inner critic completely. It’s about building a stronger, wiser, more loving inner coach. One who believes in you—especially when things get tough.

You’re not falling short. You’re learning to rise on your own terms. And that, dear rider, is leadership.

I’m proud of you.
For showing up.
For doing the work.
For being brave enough to meet yourself with compassion instead of critique.

You’re not too much. You’re not behind.
You’re exactly where you need to be to take the next step forward.

With you all the way,
Nicole
Your Mental Performance Coach

P.S. If you’re tired of pep-talking everyone else while tearing yourself down before you show, 5 Days to Confident Competitor is where we start changing that.